Divorce: do you live with the fall-out from another person’s failed relationship?

Published by Alison Wem on

One of the greatest gifts you can give a child is a happy childhood.  Sadly divorce happens.  The impact goes far wider than the couple who have decided to split – their children, parents, aunts, uncles and wider family, friends and new partners.

The true impact of divorce is often not spoken of in a family and can continue for many tens of years after the decree absolute.  Even new partners and their families can be caught up in the web of emotions.  There are those awkward family gatherings when you are not sure who to invite and if everyone will get along alright.

Relationship splits, whether inside or outside of a marriage, can be painful.  I have observed couples full of anger, resentment and revenge use their children to inflict further pain on their ex-partner.  Some normally good parents can sometimes seem to take leave of their senses.

I have also observed couples who have ‘fallen out out of love’ but have decided to separate in a considered and loving manner.  This is not always as easy as it is said, especially if one party feels there has been a betrayal.

Whatever bad things happen in your life, you choose how you react to it.

The nature of your reaction can determine how long it takes you to recover.

I had a manager whose wife decided they should split.  I do not know the reason why, but they did it in the most grown-up way I have ever seen.  Despite nerves on both sides, they agreed a fair split of the marital assets and did everything to protect the children and ensure they felt secure and loved.  The wife taught her ex-husband their children’s bedtime routine so on a visit he could settle them to sleep with more ease.  The children loved both of their parents and that never changed because they did not all live together.

I do wish parents could follow the wisdom of their children.

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Emotions

How do I show myself love and compassion?

So often in our world the emphasises is on achievements. Loving yourself can feel like a radical act. Yet, self-love is the cornerstone of mental well-being and personal growth. But,

How do you love yourself?

For me, the key things to embrace are;

  • Acknowledge your worth
  • Practice self-care
  • Set boundaries
  • Embrace imperfection
  • Celebrate your uniqueness.

The very first step in loving yourself is to acknowledge your value. It is not about your successes or failures but more about your inherent worth. Reflect on your strengths and weaknesses no matter how small you feel they may be. Sometimes being that person in the family who notices when someone needs a helping hand has enormous worth.

Don’t underate yourself.

Practicing self-care is about taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. Most of this is simple and basic such as ensuring you get enough sleep, eat nutritious food, and engage in regular physical activity.

Prioritise activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

Examples might include reading, gardening and spending time with those you love.

Loving yourself means respecting your own limits so you need to define your boundaries and hold them. Learn to say no to things that drain your energy or compromise your values. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Setting healthy boundaries protects your well-being and fosters better relationships.

No-one is perfect. We all have imperfections so rather than berate yourself, accept that making mistakes is a natural part of life. When you make a mistake be kind to yourself as you would for a friend. Do remember….

It is alright to be work in progress.

There are things you can do to help you with self-love such as,

  • Mindfulness
  • Don’t listen to the negative inner talk
  • Celebrate your uniqueness
  • Forgive and be kind to yourself
  • Get help if you need it.

These approaches to living your life help you to love yourself more easily.

Mindfulness helps you to feel your emotions and let them go, not to judge yourself and gives you strategies such as deep breathes to help you manage yourself. This will help you to increase your self-awareness and reduce stress.

Negative self-talk can seriously affect your self-esteem. Try to replace it with positive supportive messages. What would you say to a dear friend who is struggling? Say this to yourself. Overtime this wonderful inner kind person can help to transform your life.

You are a wonderful person so embrace what makes you unique. It is those things that make you who you are. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Your journey is yours alone and you get to decide the pace at which you want to go.

Holding onto past mistakes or regrets can hinder your ability to love yourself fully. Be kind to yourself;

Forgive your mistakes, learn and move forwards.

If all of this becomes overwhelming, know it’s alright to seek help whether it is from trusted and loving family, a friend or a professional. Talking is so good to help you gain perspective on your life, strengthen your self-love and to decide how to move forwards.

Loving yourself is a lifelong journey, not a destination.

Be patience, practice, and be persistent. You can cultivate a deeper sense of self-compassion. Know you are deserving of love, kindness, and respect—especially from yourself.

Emotions

Are you or someone you love lonely?

On the whole, other people are not very interested in what you do. Yet naturally humans are tribal. They feel happier and safer living in groups, be it family or a community.

Are you or any of your loved ones lonely?

With population movement becoming common for career opportunities and to find affordable housing, family groups are becoming scattered.

People are becoming more dependent on community or good neighbours.

It takes time and effort for a community to form and grow. Community is not only your local area but can embrace groups of likeminded people such as an interest in yoga, football, history and many other interests.

Since the pandemic volunteering has dropped by 7%.

Volunteers are often the backbone of charities and not-for-profit organisations. Yet volunteering is also beneficial to the volunteers who feel more life satisfaction. It is also an opportunity to connect with other people and feel you are making a contribution. There is no upper age limit to volunteering.

An epidemic of loneliness has generated the misguided idea that romantic love is the only solution to loneliness.

Loneliness is generated by insufficient social contact and there are many other solutions than a romantic partner. Yet I know how painful loneliness can be. Unexpectedly widowed in my 40s, I fell out of the married club. Dinner parties and outings with three can be awkward and often don’t work. As a widow, I had to find myself again and seek out communities that I could comfortably find a place in.

Remember there are many solutions to loneliness.

Smart people struggle with loneliness like all of us.

In my experience, I have seen smart young people throw so much of their energy and time into their careers that there is little left for their social life. The individual finds the invites to gatherings fall away leaving them isolated.

Of course, many of us have made mistakes in managing our own well-being and ensuring sufficient human contact each day. Recognising it is the first step to fixing it.

Loneliness can hit us at any age.

Loneliness often happens when change occurs in our lives. This can include a change in school, going to university, leaving home for the first time, new job, becoming a stay at home parent, move of home, retirement and old age.

None of us are immune to loneliness

Each of us needs to take ownership of ensuring we have friends, neighbours, community members or family to chat to.

Each of us can also consciously help someone who is lonely to feel less alone. A chat with a stranger in the street might be the only conversation they have that day. It is amazing what a smile and a friendly comment can do to break the ice. It is surprisingly powerful.

Becoming a great listener is an amazing contribution to the wellbeing of humanity

Conscious Mind

How do you feel about yourself and your life?

When I was growing up, my mum always used to say to me;

People value you at what you value yourself.

At the time I don’t think I truly understood what she meant. But having lived more and experienced other people, I feel there is some truth in what she said.

Ask yourself these questions;

  • Do you express your views and emotions honestly, albeit kindly?
  • Do you take action on how you truly feel?
  • Do you give yourself time and space in your life?
  • Do you look after your own mental health?

If you value yourself in your interactions with others, you are able to feel and speak honestly, know your needs and be able to take actions to satisfy them.

Expressing your views and emotions

Of course it goes without saying, that in sharing your views and emotions it should be with kindness, love and sensitivity to others. If you did it in a way that hurt others or was vulgar and included a lot of swearing, you are not honouring yourself. You may come to regret it. However, being able to speak your truth is very important to feeling a sense of freedom. It should not be ignored and if not done, can make your throat chakra feel uncomfortable and even blocked.

Taking action on how you truly feel

Are you living your own life or one that somebody else wants you to live?

Sometimes fear of doing or saying the wrong thing can stop you from doing what you want to do. This is not about recklessly doing mad things, but rather doing, in a considered way, what feels right for you. You are the most important person in your life. It is right you should get to make the choices for you in your life. Afterall the choices you make today, brings the life you experience tomorrow.

Do you give yourself time and space in your life?

No-one can ‘Go, Go, Go’ all of the time. You need time to pause and reflect on what is going on in your life. Are you leading the life you want? If not, how can you make a course correction to improve it. This pause and reflection take time and space. You may also want time and space to pursue your own interests such as reading or researching a topic that interests you or attend a class, meet a friend. We all need time to just enjoy life.

Life is for living and enjoying.

Looking after your own mental health

Each of us are responsible for the life we lead. Your values, choices and actions lead to the life you experience. Even in the direst of situations, you get to choose how you react to it.

I really admire Viktor Frankl. He expressed in his book, Mans Search for Meaning, how he chose, as an inmate of the extermination camps of World War II, to continue to feel hope for a better life in the future. This single feeling of hope helped him to survive and go on to life a good life. Listening to the negative, angry voice inside would have weakened him. So, he chose to counter it with hope.

How do you value yourself and your life?